Great Relationship Advice Part Eleven, by Alison Poulsen, PhD
Family Gatherings and Expectations: Avoiding the shoulda-woulda’s.
Family gatherings can be a source of everything you can imagine—joy, fear, unfulfilled expectations, and disaster. Are you expecting Dad to finally give you the approval you’ve always sought? Are you hoping for a glitch-free harmonious time with a group of opinionated, outspoken family members who can find reason to argue over how to make an omelet? How can we enjoy family get-togethers and deal with the inevitable surprises, pressures, and expectations?
Here are some of the typical challenges we face at such gatherings:
1. Hoping to get approval.
We sometimes revert back to being a child in the presence of close family members. We may still crave the approval for an aspect of our personality that we feel we never received. The trouble is twofold:
a) The more we yearn for that outside approval, the less likely we are to receive it.
b) The disapproval we sense by the time we are adults is in fact internalized disapproval. The approval at this point has to be generated internally as well.
Unless we become aware of these unconscious desires, acknowledge them, and appease them ourselves, family gatherings are ripe for dread and disappointment. We can mitigate the dread we experience if we get real about our expectations. In other words, that sought-after approval or harmony will have to come from within.
2. Dreading intrusive questions.
Questions about getting married, getting a “real” job, or how the divorce is going can be awkward at a big dinner. If you know that someone is going to ask you when you’re finally going to have children or some other unwelcome question, you might approach that person first in private, and say something like “I know you’re anxious that we have children, but we haven’t made that decision yet. I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t bring it up at dinner. Thanks.” Also, humor is also a great way to deflect unsolicited questions.
3. Embarrassment about others’ habits, lifestyles, manners, or viewpoints.
Everyone has some relative who brags incessantly, drinks too much, has bad table manners, or has joined some crazy cult. Our family members don’t define who we are and no one is perfect anyway. In fact, critical thoughts and embarrassment tend to draw out the worst in those around us, and may reveal that we care too much about family image.
We tend to be hardest on those closest to us. Life is too short to worry about the imperfections around us. With a sense of humor, we can overlook our family’s imperfections. Harmful behavior, however, is another matter completely.
4. Expecting criticism and comparisons.
Unfortunately, some people aren’t very effective in expressing their feelings and concerns. Instead, they tend to make cutting remarks or stinging comparisons, which fuels sibling rivalry and defensiveness.
To prevent such comments from gaining power, first consider whether there is an underlying positive concern. For instance, a parent might say, “Your brother always knew how to stay on top of his finances.” A reasonable response might be, “It sounds like you’re concerned about my work situation. Is that right?” If the person answers “Yes,” then you can respond with, “Thanks for your concern. I can assure you that I feel secure and happy with my life style.”
In response to more blatant disparagement, it’s best to give a direct, unheated response, which does not further unwelcome discussion. For example, someone asks, “Are you still involved with those left-wing/right-wing fanatics?” You could answer, “I do have friends with wide-ranging political beliefs.”
Mean-spirited remarks can be politely shut down with, “You’re entitled to your opinion.”
5. Fearing emotional outbursts.
A family member may have a reputation for creative memory, and still remember his or her very own version of what some one else said on New Year’s Eve 1979. He or she refutes any correction with “Don’t tell me what he said; I know what he meant!” The Holiday thing most dreaded is worrying about what terrible slight, imagined or real, will be remembered forever after by the family member known for that quality. So don’t get hooked in.
Let the other person go crazy, but keep your own sanity, as well as your own boundaries. If the situation gets extreme, you can always leave the gathering without adding to the existing drama.
6. Wanting to make everyone happy.
You may be tempted to prepare all the meals for a week for a whole group, because you think it is expected. But this is probably excessive and exhausting. Rather than resentfully succumbing to what you think is expected, decide what you are willing to do. If, for example, you are happy to prepare one meal, you can graciously invite everyone for that meal. If asked for more, respectfully decline. The more polite, direct, and brief you are in not fulfilling others expectations, the better.
Communicate clearly ahead of time, so people understand the game plan. It’s helpful to know what’s expected in the way of itinerary, sleeping arrangements, kids’ rules, and differing holiday traditions.
Conclusion
We often feel let down when our expectations are not met. “If she really loved us, she should’ve…” “If they had any respect for us, they wouldn’t have…” Each family has a different set of shoulda-wouldas that prove to them things are right. These pre-set notions often seem too obvious to mention, and the “guilty” party often does not realize what they’ve done to insult the first party. Culturally induced expectations run particularly high in the holidays, with the plethora of joyous happy endings on TV, movies, and every holiday ad. We can attempt to enjoy family get-togethers as just that—getting together to appreciate what we do have, rather than unrealistically having expectations for what we don’t.