COUPLES SOLUTIONS: Parenting Together: Beyond Commands and Chaos
By Alison Poulsen
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
1. Parenting Approaches
Many couples struggle with their different parenting styles, one being generally strict and one laissez faire. We also struggle within ourselves—if we are too permissive and things become chaotic, we may explode with anger. If we are overly strict and that doesn’t work, we may give up completely. Often, one spouse allows the other to do all the parenting or to determine the style of parenting because of his or her fear of conflict. Although there’s no apparent struggle here, one spouse has given up his or her ability to take a stand in relation to the spouse and children—this is neither good for the relationship nor good role modeling for the children.
Differences between spouses on methods of parenting stem mostly from what each experienced from our own parents. Our primary parenting style is often either a reflection of or a negative response to the more dominant parenting style of our two parents. As such, it is deeply ingrained. The two dominant parenting styles—authoritarian and permissive—reflect two conflicting trends concerning what’s important in our culture. One trend places emphasis on the work ethic, which values productivity and organization. The other trend values freedom, which since the sixties has taken on the flavor of follow your bliss.
The Authoritarian
The hero myth and its emphasis on accomplishment are in large part responsible for the authoritarian in our western culture. The positive aspects of authoritarianism—efficiency and productivity—are important components in life and advantageous in the hero culture. When discipline becomes all encompassing, however, life loses something else of value.
Within the context of family, the authoritarian wants to efficiently achieve what needs to be done for “the child’s own good” through a commanding style. Many of us in contemporary western culture strive to lead and have our children lead “full” lives—mentally, athletically, and socially. To accomplish so much, we have to plan and organize rigorously, and are often left with little time and patience for simply hanging out with our children on their own terms of imagination and creativity. It seems that it is precisely during such unstructured time of play where there is no lectures or commands that the best connection between parents and children occurs. It is also the time where the imagination can run freely.
Authoritarianism sometimes stems from parents being driven to push their children to do the things they crave to do—becoming athletes, musicians, or scholars. When we find ourselves exerting excessive pressure on our children to accomplish what we once longed to accomplish, we need to consider whether we are making our children compensate for what is missing in our lives. While we should provide opportunities, engage in conversations about the benefits of such opportunities, and even insist on practice, let’s spare our children excessive pressure and control arising out of our own personal longings.
A child who feels overly controlled often feels resentful, angry, and impotent, and may lash out or become completely passive. While the child may be obedient, he or she lacks a sense of authentic power. Such a child may then try to find a sense of power by imitating his or her parents resulting in controlling or bullying behavior.
Because our culture scorns neediness, an authoritarian parent sometimes resorts to punishment, shame, and humiliation in an attempt to motivate a child or to eradicate any signs of weakness and dependence. Unfortunately, shame belittles and alienates rather than empowers a child, which in effect suppresses a child’s creativity and compassion. Excessive shame and punishment lead to feelings of impotence and can result in violent or passive aggressive behavior.
The Permissive Parent
Permissiveness in parenting sometimes stems from the desire to let the child’s creativity flourish and to avoid crushing the child’s sense of empowerment. Permissiveness can also result from not knowing how else to parent. It takes a great deal of effort to consistently engage a child and to take the time to encourage life-promoting behaviors and attitudes.
The fear of conflict also may lead a parent to over-indulge the child. When a child wants to stay up late or to skip soccer practice without a good reason, a parent dreads the child’s whining and protests if he or she is denied. Skipping one more activity seems a small price to pay. Yet, over the long term, responding to whining or begging may cause the behavior to become a pattern. Placating a child to minimize resistance only creates greater resistance in the future and into adulthood.
Although the child of a permissive parent may get more of her immediate desires fulfilled, the child often feels apprehensive about her excessive power and the chaos that ensues when she gets out of control. Lacking boundaries, the child can suffer from insecurity and find it difficult to cultivate self-discipline into adulthood. Such a child is denied the gift of being able to delay gratification—an ability necessary in attaining any long-term goals, and very important as an adult.
2. How do we establish boundaries and guidelines for our children without being too oppressive on the one hand and too permissive on the other?
In determining how we would like to parent our children, let’s examine the values at the core of each parenting style. The values at the core of strict discipline (the authoritarian) are responsibility, strength of character, and perseverance, all of which enable us to do things we don’t feel like doing, such as homework and demanding work. The values at the core of permissive parenting are respect, kindness, and creativity—qualities that make life enjoyable. The lenient parent fears that the child’s imagination and sensibilities will be crushed by an overbearing approach.
Both sets of values are essential and valid, and the good news is that they are not mutually exclusive. Both sets of needs can be met simultaneously. In fact, it is one-sided parenting that causes most problems. An excessively stern parent becomes machine that only values the child’s results and productivity, losing sight of the ineffable qualities of humanity—such as the joy of humor, imagination, and spontaneity—and the importance of feelings and relationships. The purpose of productivity loses its meaning when the vitality of life vanishes—a root problem of so many problems today.
In contrast, an excessively permissive parent cheats his or her child out of the ability to set goals and the self-discipline to achieve them. Without these abilities, one is left with the increasingly dissatisfying prospect of being fulfilled by being passively entertained. Not only is this not gratifying, it inevitably leads to dependence on others or on addictive behaviors that bring temporary relief from boredom of passivity.
Thus, children need both to be treated with respect and to learn self-discipline. Quite strict discipline can be effective if the manner of giving it is always loving, considerate, and done with a non-threatening manner and voice. You can, for instance, be extremely strict about the rule of a child's not going into the fenced-off swimming pool without a parent being present. The reasons can be explained firmly, though not threateningly. The child has to believe the parent is very serious, but not angry.
Respectful Parenting
The most important means of teaching our children is by being a role model and living the attributes we wish to impart to our children. Children watch their parents’ behavior more than they listen to their lectures. So, we can attempt to develop the qualities we desire in our children—empathy, respect, self-discipline, and patience.
The first step is to really listen to the child before responding. Empathy and respect are prerequisites for real dialogue with others. Respect differs from permissiveness in that it calls forth courtesy and allows for disagreement, rather than indulgence and agreement. Respect differs from obedience in that obedience is externally coerced through the use of fear or rewards, while respectful behavior is internally motivated by authentic power developed by being treated respectfully and expected to be responsible.
When parents use authentic power, they empower others. They motivate children by paying attention to feelings, needs, and desires. They help children develop control from inside themselves, maintained by the child’s own set of internalized values (Kvols, K.J., (1998). Redirecting Children’s Behavior. Washington: Parenting Press, Inc. p. 50).
We should express boundaries, expectations, disappointments, guidelines, and rules with kindness. We can be firm while expressing compassion. For example, when a child doesn’t want to go to soccer practice, we acknowledge that it’s part of life to not always feel like practicing, working, and following through with commitments. While validating such feelings, we can insist that they follow through anyway, unless there is a big problem or an urgent situation interfering. Not only are others on the team counting on us, but we can only enjoy increased skills and accomplishments if we generally do follow through with our commitments.
By stating expectations and creating boundaries for ourselves in a respectful way, we can prevent our boundaries from being trampled, and thereby reduce the possibility of conflict. This also teaches our children how to create boundaries in a respectful way for themselves and, later, how to take a stand in the world. If we want our children to be compassionate, respectful, self-empowered, and capable of both intimacy and solitude, we need to embody these attributes ourselves. It is an ongoing journey, challenging and rewarding, and of greater benefits to children and both spouses than harsh criticism or giving up could ever be.
3. How to get on the same page with your spouse about parenting children.
We can deal with our spouse, as well as all human beings for that matter, with respect and kindness, while clarifying our opinions, beliefs, expectations, and boundaries. We can start by recognizing and appreciating the values underlying his or her style of parenting. When we sincerely validate someone else’s needs or values, they are less apt to become defensive. This is not a manipulative maneuver. To have a meaningful discussion, we need to identify both our own concerns and desires while also considering our spouse’s needs and fears.
What are the core values of each parenting style? The authoritarian wants the child to develop the self-discipline and perseverance to make it in the world. The permissive parent desires that the child experience kindness, creativity, and compassion. We need to approach our spouse keeping the merits of both sets of values in mind.
In discussing parenting with our spouse, we don’t want to be authoritarian—using coercion, blame, and threats; nor do we want to be permissive, that is, doing anything to please or giving up boundaries completely. For example, a father or mother says overly sternly to his child “Go to bed!” when the child has come out of the bedroom to ask for something. Later, the spouse could say, “I agree that it’s important that the child go to bed early on school nights, and not get in the habit of getting up too often to ask for things. I also prefer that we use a kinder tone of voice in asking him to go to bed.”
Thus, we can convey to our partners respectfully rather than dictatorially. When we truly integrate both sets of values, not only do wild fluctuations between lenience and severity toward the children diminish, but we set a good example for the children, and struggles between spouses lessen.
Recommended book: Kvols, K.J., (1998). Redirecting Children’s Behavior. Washington: Parenting Press, Inc.